The Wedding Ceremony: Religious or Civil?

Fred and I were married in the Bronx County Courthouse 43 years ago. The building was in ruins, and urchins sat on the steps. Inside, my mother wept (and not from joy) when she saw the signs saying "Don't spit on the floor" in English and Spanish. We settled upon this wretched venue for two reasons: 1. Fred's parents had been married there, and they had had a very happy marriage, and 2. (this is pure speculation on my part) my parents were embarrassed to have an interfaith wedding in my small Missouri town. Anyway, the wedding was hardly any girl's fantasy, but the marriage has worked!

Follow this link for a helpful discussion of whether or not to have a religious ceremony. Nina Calloway of About.com advises on the pros and cons of religious, interfaith, and secular weddings.

Chai=Life=18

Many thanks to Cassandra, who helpfully sent this comment on my "What's a Bar Mitzvah?" posting:

"I just thought I would mention that when we give money, my husband and I always give denominations of 18 (chai). Usually $180, but could be less or more depending on our relationship. Perhaps you can write a future post on chai, since aside from the number the word/idea comes up in many contexts (toasts, jewelry, Fiddler on the Roof...)."

I have heard of this custom of giving in multiples of 18, but never really understood it until Cassandra called it to my attention. I've learned that the symbol chai, pictured above, consists of two Hebrew letters which together spell "living," and are interpreted by some as referring to the living G-d, and by most as simply to life itself. In the system of gematria, in which numerical values are attributed to letters of the alphabet, the sum of the word chai is 18.

Cassandra knows so much about Judaism that I, like many of her readers, assumed that she is Jewish, but she is a shiksa (like us!). Her excellent web site, which is called "Baby Smiling in the Back Seat...or that's the goal anyway," is devoted to the subject of infertility, but one of her postings is especially interesting to us shiksas, as she talks about her experience of marrying into her husband's "fairly observant" family.

Q and A: Why the Canopy at the Wedding?

A chuppah (also "huppah") is a piece of cloth held over the bride, groom, and rabbi during the wedding service. The cloth could be a prayer shawl or clouds of tulle, or a special tapestry--there are many different types. The one pictured here can later be used once a year as a sukkah during Sukkot, the week-long holiday in October (more about Sukkot in a future posting). The canopy is supported by poles; I think it's interesting that in Israel, in a wedding of a soldier on active duty, the poles consist of rifles held by friends. Some authorities say the canopy symbolizes the tents of the ancient Hebrews, while others suggest that it stands for the new home that is to be. Nobody knows for sure, but since the sixteenth century it has been a traditional part of the wedding.
My husband Fred told me a cute and true story. His good friend Albie, who was a tall groom made even taller by his top hat, was standing with his bride Joyce under the canopy. Albie's father, a Turkish Jew, was short, so holding the canopy up so high was straining his arms. In the middle of the ceremony the congregation heard him say, in his thick Turkish accent, "Albert, you dumbbell, bend over!" (It is a tribute to Albie's great maturity that we can report that he merely smiled--and bent over!)